Shield of Sparrows

I pushed up from my bed, about to refill my cup of water. Except before I could swing my feet to the floor, Tillia shoved me back onto the pillows.

“Don’t get up.” She snatched the empty cup from my hand.

“I—”

“Don’t talk.” The glare she sent me was enough to have me lay back down and wait for her to return with my water.

“Tillia—”

“What did I say about talking?”

I scowled and took a drink, hoping it would sooth the ache in my throat and clear the rasp from my voice.

She sat beside me, frowning as she took in my face and neck. “You’re already getting bruises.”

Damn. Ransom was going to lose his mind.

“Ransom is not going to handle this well.”

I wanted to joke that she was reading my thoughts, but she’d just bark at me again, so I stayed quiet.

“It’s my fault.” She took my hand, squeezing tight. “I’m so sorry.”

I pinched the hell out of her index finger.

“Ouch.” She snatched her hand free.

I cut a hand across my throat and mouthed, Stop.

She slumped. “It was my idea to bring those men here. They could have stayed in Treow.”

“How could you have known?” I whispered. My voice wasn’t as hoarse when I spoke quietly. “Not your fault.”

“You shouldn’t talk.”

“I’m fine,” I lied.

My neck was throbbing, and even after hours in the infirmary with the healers applying poultices, cold compresses, and herbs, it was going to ache for a while. But at least I was alive.

The man? He couldn’t say the same.

I’d killed a person today. I’d taken a life.

All this time I’d spent training, I’d only ever envisioned fighting monsters. Sure, I’d had delusions in the beginning about strangling Ransom, but even without blood magic forbidding me from murdering my husband, I wouldn’t have had it in me to kill.

A chill breeze wafted in through the open window, making me shudder. Or maybe the goose bumps on my arms weren’t from the weather, but the image of that man’s lifeless eyes, forever frozen in my mind.

A lump formed in my swollen throat. I swallowed it down, wincing at the burn.

I was cracking apart. Splintering into pieces. But it hurt too much to cry, so I drank another gulp of water and savored a deep inhale.

Faze was curled against my hip with a gaping space on his other side. Ransom’s side.

Strange how Ransom had only spent a single night in this bed but that space was now his.

Where was he? After the attack, Tillia had sent a band of warriors to track him down, but I had no idea how long it would take for them to find him in the forest.

I knew he was busy, hunting that deadly pack. But I wanted him here. I wanted to curl into his arms and feel his warmth. I needed to tell someone about the man’s ramblings, and I wanted that someone to be Ransom.

Make it stop. Make the burning stop.

I swore to serve my king and burn burn burn.

Kill her. Kill her. Kill her.

Me? Why would Ramsey want to kill me? Or had that man only been talking nonsense? Had Lyssa addled his brain to the point where nothing he said was believable?

The soreness in my throat expanded to a painful drumbeat behind my temples.

“Would you like the tea the healers sent?”

The tea was intended to ease the pain and put me to sleep. I’d hoped to avoid it, wanting to be awake when Ransom returned. Well, I guess if I was asleep, Tillia could explain everything.

Yes, I mouthed, rubbing at my skull. But before Tillia could leave for the kettle, I caught her wrist. “I need two teas.”

Her eyebrows knitted together, but as my gaze dropped to her belly, she realized what other tea I’d need to take before the day was over. “Do you have any?”

I pointed to the vanity.

She went to the drawer, found the contraceptive tea Margot had sent with me from Quentis, and took it with her as she left the room.

I relaxed against the headboard, closing my eyes as a fresh wave of exhaustion crashed hard.

My healer—Geezala—had helped Tillia bring me to the suite so I could rest.

After another round of poultice and a compress, Geezala had returned to the infirmary, leaving me behind with the tea and Tillia’s watchful gaze.

Gentle footsteps beyond my door made me open my eyes, expecting Tillia. Instead, Luella swept into the room, her skirts swishing as she came to my side.

“Oh, Odessa.” She sank to the side of my bed, concern etched on her face as she pulled me into a firm hug. “You’re all right.”

Not a question. Reassurance.

I was all right. I would endure this. I would recover stronger than before.

I’d never hugged Luella before, but she had a warm embrace. A mother’s embrace. Her shoulders were strong. The type of shoulders children cried upon.

I didn’t miss Margot. But right now, I kind of missed Margot. She wasn’t the warm, loving type, but she was the only mother I’d ever known. Today, I needed a mother’s hug. So I stole one from Luella instead, clinging to her as that threat of tears came again, stronger than before.

The cracks kept expanding. Fracturing. It wouldn’t be long now until they broke apart.

“Breathe,” she murmured.

I sucked in a breath through my nose, the air burning as it filled my lungs. Then I exhaled as she ran a hand up and down my spine.

“Again. And again. Keep breathing to remember that you can.”

It was exactly what I needed to be told. So I breathed, holding on to Luella as Tillia brought in two cups of tea, then closed the door behind her as she left us alone.

“Better?” Luella let me go, pushing the hair away from my face.

I nodded. “Thank you.”

“Try not to speak unless necessary.” Her eyes softened. Eyes a familiar, rich forest green.

She raised a hand to my neck, her touch soft as she ran her fingers over my throat. A frown pulled at her mouth. “You’ll have bruises for a week or two. Your eyes will be black. But the blood in them will fade. And your body will heal. It only takes time. Unfortunately, there is no quick recovery from this.”

As she prodded my neck, I let my gaze sweep over her face. The silky chocolate hair. Those familiar green eyes. When I first met Luella, her regal, poised composure had reminded me so much of Margot.

Of a queen.

Ransom might look like Ramsey.

But his mother had given him a few features of her own.

“You’re his mother,” I whispered.

Her eyes lifted to mine, her hands going still.

“You’re Evie’s mother.”

Luella’s fingers flew away, fear widening her gaze. “He told you.”

The betrayal, the terrified tremble in her voice, made a shitty day worse.

“No. He didn’t. I guessed—I’m sorry.” Even though it hurt to speak, I wasn’t going to stay quiet. “Please know I will keep your secret. And Evie’s. I wouldn’t want you to feel as if you had to take her away.”

She swallowed hard, her gaze dropping to her lap. “Ellder is the farthest fortress from Allesaria.”

I tucked that tidbit away for my map as she continued.

“The first time I came here, I was pregnant with Ransom. The second, he was only a baby. It was always such an ordeal to visit. The journey was miserable, so I told Ramsey never to bring me back. He assumed I thought it was too primitive for a queen. That I needed the finery of the city and hated it here. Mostly, it was easier to breathe when we weren’t trapped in a carriage for days on end with nothing but his undying affection.”

Luella turned to the open window, staring out to the soft evening light beyond. “I realize how that sounds. Most women would do anything for the undying love of a king. And I loved Ramsey, in my own way. He was my friend. My companion. The father of my children. But there are only so many pieces of a heart. And I gave mine away long before I met Ramsey. To…”

“Mikhail,” I whispered as she trailed off.

“My father adored Mikhail. But given that Mikhail was from Ozarth, he considered our affection inappropriate. Not suitable for marriage. And for a long time, too long, my father’s opinion was all that mattered.”

So she’d let Mikhail go and married Ramsey.

“I am no longer the person I once was,” Luella said. “All that matters now are my children. I will do whatever I can to protect them. Ramsey will find me eventually.” Her tone was hollow. An empty resolution that she could not avoid him forever. Maybe she was right. “But until then, I want as many days with Evie as I can manage. She loves the forest. She loves the rugged, untamed land. She’s like Ransom in that way. She is fearless. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll have the chance to take her sailing one day. To let her feel the salt breeze on her face as she sets off into the unknown. To give her the freedom I didn’t fight for myself.”

“Why not take her away?”

“She is not my only child.”

Luella would not leave Ransom behind. I’d suspected as much, but it made me respect her more. That even though he was an adult, she was still his mother.

“Drink your tea.” She handed me a cup, and with it, I knew our conversation was over.

The liquid had grown cool, but it was still a balm to my scratchy throat. I’d just finished both cups when a loud crash sounded from the sitting room.

“That would be my son.” Luella stood, smoothing her skirts. Then she collected my empty cups, looking entirely unsurprised as he burst through my bedroom door.

His hair was windswept like he’d ridden hard for hours. His face was stone, his eyes liquid metal. The rage he kept so under control was unleashed, radiating off his frame.

“Calm down, Ransom,” Luella said.

“She was almost killed today.”

She was sitting right here, alive and not exactly well but…alive.

But before I could say as much, Luella’s eyebrows arched. That expression was Ransom’s through and through. “Zavier Ransom Wolfe. Calm down. Now. Or you will leave this suite.”

Wow, I really had been oblivious. If I hadn’t noticed their similarities before, that look and chiding tone would have done it.

His nostrils flared, but he heeded her warning—a queen’s command, a mother’s. He shook his fists loose. His chest rose and fell with a deep breath. And the silver bled from his eyes, making way for hazel.

“Better.” Luella gave him a sidelong glance as she moved toward me, bending to drop a kiss to my forehead. “Rest. We will see you tomorrow.”

“I don’t want Evie to see me like this.”

“You shouldn’t be talking,” Luella said at the same time Ransom barked, “Don’t talk.”

Despite the day, despite the horrors, I smiled.

And that smile made Ransom’s eyes shift to green.

He moved to the bed as Luella slipped from the room. He smelled like horses and wind and sweat. Like a crazed, hard ride.noveldrama

I curled into that scent, pressing my nose into his chest as he wrapped me in his arms.

One hand splayed over my lower back. The other dove into my hair as he breathed me in. “I should have been here.”

“I’m okay,” I murmured.

Now that he was here, I was okay.

His arms tightened, hauling me so close that Faze squirmed between us, letting out a grunt as we closed around him.

Ransom picked him up by the belly, lifting him over my hip. But rather than scoot him to the floor like I’d expected, he set my tiny monster on my pillow.

I wouldn’t be needing it tonight. I’d sleep on Ransom’s chest instead.

If I could manage sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw green blood and milky-white irises.

“I killed a man today.”

He exhaled, pressing a kiss to my head. “I’m sorry.”

Even with him here, the cracks kept growing and growing and growing. “Do you remember the first person you killed?”

“Yes. I was sixteen,” Ransom said. “He was Zavier’s stepfather.”

I leaned away so I could see his face. “Really?”

He nodded.

“Will you tell me about it?”

“You should rest.”

“Please?” I was desperate for a distraction. To know that I wasn’t alone in this feeling.

Ransom frowned but relented. “Zavier’s real father died when he was three. After my aunt’s mourning period, my grandfather arranged a marriage to a nobleman’s son. Horace. He was a beast of a man. Taught both Zavier and me how to fight. He was the one who advocated for Zavier to be my stand-in when we were just boys. Father agreed. And Horace loved that his stepson was paraded around as a prince. So much so that he wanted it to be real.”

“He tried to kill you,” I guessed.

“Shh,” he murmured, pressing a finger to my lips. “I know you start to squirm if you go more than ten minutes without asking a question, but I promise to tell you the whole story.”

I rolled my eyes but listened.

“The day I killed him, Horace had taken us to the woods to hunt deer. He sent Zavier one way, me another. Then he came after me and tried to push me off a cliff. He nearly succeeded. But he wasn’t the only person who’d trained me to fight. I caught him with a dagger I kept in my boot. Drove it through his skull, from beneath his chin. There are still nights when I see his face. When I wonder if there had been another way. You’ll never forget. All you can do is keep on living.”

I wanted to forget. I wanted to push that man’s face from my mind.

I wanted to know who he’d been before Lyssa.

Was he a husband? A father? Was there a family somewhere in Turah who would mourn his death? What was his name?

The lump in my throat returned, the sting of tears. And this time, there was no stopping the cracks from splitting.

The first cry escaped, so raw, so full of heartache, I almost screamed. Then the tears came as a flood, cascading down my face as sobs ripped through my chest.

“I’ve got you,” Ransom murmured. “I won’t let go.”

He didn’t.

Everything would be different now. I was forever changed. I had sliced away something from myself with that knife. I might have washed away the blood staining my hands, but I would feel it until the end of my days.

By choice or force, I was a killer.

Ransom held me as if he was absorbing the pain from my body into his. He held me as I mourned the life I’d ended. As I mourned the woman I’d been before today. He held me until the tears finally stopped, until the fire in my throat burned so hot it became numb.

He held me until I fell asleep.

Until we reached the dawn of a new day.

Until the cracks I feared would never join slowly began to fuse.